a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
