you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
