you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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