he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
