he wants to bone in the snuggie
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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