I cockslap morals
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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