you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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