I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
BRING THE BAGELS
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
