he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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