Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
