Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
