i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
