How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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