Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
