He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
