grandma shit on top of the toilet
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
