If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
