I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
