Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
