I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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