I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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