3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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