Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
