proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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