I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
