Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
