i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
