Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
