Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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