2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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