Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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