I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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