Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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