I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
