Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
