jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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