no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
