I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
