just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We talked him into tasing himself.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
