If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
