he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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