god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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