The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
