Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
my poor anus
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
