i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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