it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
