There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
