It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
