i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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