I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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