Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
tell me about the eggs
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize